Lord of the Who?
by October
Summary: LOTR meets Dr. Who... What more can I say?? ^^;
1. Of Hobbits, Eagles, and Jelly Beans

Dr. Who encounters Orcs and Hobbits. Gandalf and Saruman squabble in kindergarten. Sam discovers jelly beans. And Leela learns to read the hard way... 

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters in this story, but I can keep on wishing... ^_^ 

LORD OF THE WHO? 

Chapter One: Of Hobbits, Eagles and Jelly Beans 

A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, lost in the reaches of space, a blue police box plowed through the Vortex between dimensions. Two laughing space dolphins rode a bow wave of neutrons just ahead of the curious little vessel, which carried three occupants. 

Most prominent was a tall man with startling blue eyes and a lionlike mane of curly brown hair. Clad in a white shirt, tweed trousers, saddle shoes and a very long neckscarf, he reclined in a rocking chair situated in the middle of the timeship control room. "No, no, no, Leela," he was saying patiently to a young woman who was sitting crosslegged at his feet. She was scantily clad in skins and appeared to be from some nomadic tribe. On her lap was an open book. The tall man continued: "Dick and Jane are brother and sister." 

"The book doesn't say that!" 

"Well, the book doesn't say much of anything, really. See Dick. See Jane. See K-9 run..." 

Leela abruptly tossed the volume aside. "I don't want to learn to read. This is for old women, not a warrior, Doctor!" 

The Doctor stopped rocking. "Leela! You can't be serious!" 

"I am," she said coldly. 

There was a long pause. The third occupant of the vessel, a small robot shaped like a dog, emitted an odd little electronic whimper. 

"Know what I think?" said the Doctor, leaning forward so suddenly everyone jumped. "I think that Dick and Jane are a little too elementary. What you need, Leela, is a challenging book!" 

"I don't need any book!" 

"Oh come now. You love to hear my travel stories, and the battles I've waged against the Daleks." 

"That's different!" 

"Not in the slightest bit!" the Doctor admonished firmly. 

At this point the conversation was rudely interrupted. A shudder reverberated through the police box as it negotiated a last temporal-spatial obstacle, then settled by itself to a standing halt. The shock of landing was just enough to tip over the Doctor's rocking chair and he landed backwards on the floor in a heap of tangled scarf and flailing limbs. 

He sat up angrily. "Leela! You pushed me!" 

"I did not!" She shot to her feet in indignation. 

"Did so!" 

"Did not!" 

"The TARDIS has landed," interjected K-9 the robotic dog. 

The Doctor scrambled to right his rocking chair, retrieved his scarf, glared at Leela, and sat down once more. Then he stood back up. "What?" 

"The TARDIS has materialized," reiterated K-9. 

"Where?" The Doctor moved to the control console. "We should still be in the Vortex!" He consulted the coordinates with a frown, then slapped the viewport switch. The shutters slid aside, and they looked out upon a lovely pastoral landscape. 

The clouds cleared from the Doctor's face at once. "Ah!" he said, and began to smile. He patted the TARDIS console. "Dear old thing. Now why didn't I think of that?" 

"Think of what?" asked Leela, suspiciously. 

The Doctor turned to her. "I actually did have a particular story in mind for you, Leela. The TARDIS picked up on my thoughts telepathically and sent us here." 

"It sent us into a story?!" 

"Well, this story was-- actually, will be-- quite real, you see. It was chronicled by a great Time Lord who once visited the Earth." The Doctor opened the TARDIS doors. 

"Master?" asked K-9 tentatively. 

"You stay here, that's a good dog." 

They stepped into a warm, sunny noontime among fluttering green leaves. A delicious fragrance of clover, hay and roses wafted over them. Birds sang sleepily; honeybees and bumblebees buzzed; a small flock of sheep and goats baa'd softly on a nearby hillside. Leela gazed around in wonder. 

They left the old blue police box of the TARDIS standing beneath a plum tree and made their way down a flowering bank and onto a winding path. Leela saw that a small, well-ordered community of people lived unobtrusively in this paradisical landscape. Little houses, rustic yet artistic in design, nestled among the groves. Sometimes a round door or window would be cut right into the side of a knoll or hummock. But the doors and windows were so small! 

Then she heard the sound of hooves. Down a bend in the old rutted track a little white pony trotted toward them, head held high, handsome gray mane streaming. He was pulling a cart, and in the cart sat a whole family of tiny people, complete with several little and noisy children. The largest of them, a cheerful looking fellow in a weskit, could not have stood much more than three feet tall. They fell silent as they passed the two tall wanderers who had stepped to the edge of the track. Leela saw their round eyes reflecting consternation. "Good day to you," the Doctor said cheerfully, tipping his broad-brimmed hat. One of the children waved shyly; then they were gone around the bend. 

Leela was enchanted. "What are they, Doctor?" 

"They're Hobbits, of course! You'd know all about them if you had read the book." The Doctor's smile was laced with fondness as he surveyed the meadows and orchards. "A rather shy folk. They're not used to Big People." The Doctor shaded his eyes against the sun. "Ah. There it is." 

"What?" 

"The Hill. I should like to inquire after my old friend Gandalf. We haven't seen each other in simply ages!" 

As they walked along the broadening road they met more Hobbits, some journeying, some picnicking, some picking berries by the wayside. One or two were bold enough to wave. Most simply stood their ground, a little fearfully, as the strangers passed by. Several slipped quietly into hiding. "Who is this Gandalf?" asked Leela. 

"Oh, he's a Time Lord just like myself, of course!" 

"Is he the one who wrote this book you keep talking about?" 

"Heavens, no! No indeed. But Gandalf... Even when we were going to kindergarten together he was always in trouble." The Doctor chuckled. "He and Saruman were always getting into fights. Saruman, he was a wild one..." The Doctor's expression darkened slightly, then brightened again just as suddenly. "Brilliant but unstable. Son of rich Maiar who bought his way into the Istari order. He used to beat up on Gandalf all the time. One day Gandalf finally snapped. He took some Magic Markers and wrote all over Saruman's new white robes." 

"What did he write?" 

"It was some kind of stupidity spell, I think. I never did learn to read Elvish that well. Whatever it was, Saruman suddenly became the classroom dunce. But Gandalf's mischief had its price... Once the spell wore off, Saruman worked his way to the head of the class and became valedictorian, but nobody ever forgot him sitting in that corner with the dunce cap. After he graduated he was always on the lookout for revenge. He developed a regular complex... But that's another chapter." 

As they reached the foot of the Hill, the Doctor fumbled in his pocket for jellybabies. "Hmmf," he grunted. "None left. I suppose these jelly beans will have to do." 

On the top of the Hill stood a great lone tree of enormous size and girth. Leela gazed at it wonderingly as they climbed the winding path. Then her attention was diverted by a cascade of pink roses almost smothering a long, low, white picket fence. The bees were so thick in the air that their buzzing made a constant drone. A large and extravagantly well-kept garden stretched beyond, with neatly arranged rows of lettuce, cabbages and tomatoes; a great field of potatoes just coming into flower; corn, parsnips and turnips and carrots and everywhere great sunflowers and patches of herbs. 

The Doctor looked closely at a rosebud. "Hmmm. Looks almost like a Meidiland. I wonder..." 

"Doctor!" said Leela, pointing. 

A hat was rustling among the potatoes, pushing aside the tall and healthy bushes as it came down the row toward them. After a moment's pause, a sturdy young Hobbit appeared from under the leaves, carrying a rusty spade. He marched right up to them boldly and cheerfully, slapped aside a trailing raspberry cane, and halted just on the other side of the fence. "Good day to you!" he said courteously, doffing the hat. "We don't often see the Big Folk here in Hobbiton. Maybe you've lost your way?" 

The Doctor bowed deeply by way of greeting. "I'm known as the Doctor. This is my companion, Leela. We're looking for news of Gandalf the Wizard." 

The Hobbit gardener regarded them with the barest hint of suspicion. "Strange names, those. And your clothes are even stranger. You've come from a right distance away. Well then... I'm just a gardener, after all. Sorry I don't know anything about no Wizard." 

The Doctor smiled his most ingratiating smile and put one foot up on the first fence rail, leaning over it. "Oh, come now, Sam Gamgee! Gandalf and I are old friends! We went to kindergarten together!" 

Sam was taken very much aback. After a moment of slackjawed surprise he gathered his wits together and brought them with him over the fence. He stood in the lane, hands on hips, eyeing the two strangers shrewdly. "Just how do you know my name?" 

"Oh, I know everything about you," said the Doctor mysteriously. Leela snorted, but Sam turned, appropriately, beet red. "Samwise Gamgee," the Doctor continued blithely, "Youngest son of old Hamfast, known as the Gaffer. How is he doing, by the way?" 

"Uh... Very well, sir." 

"Good, good! My first trip to Middle-Earth took place during my very first life. I've been back many times since, but it's always more beautiful and complicated than before. I used to visit with Bilbo and your Gaffer, Sam, but now it seems we've landed in a later time. What date is it?" 

"Why, it's the seventeenth." 

"Of what month?" 

"September." 

"And the year?" 

"1421 by our Shire reckoning." 

"Ahhh!" said the Doctor. 

Sam looked up at the tall man in undisguised awe. "You must be a wizard, or an Elf!" he said. "My old Dad never said nothin' about you, though! Course, he's a proud old fellow and wouldn't want to be caught talkin' with the likes of Elves and such... beggin' your pardon again!" 

"I'm a Time Lord," said the Doctor. "Same as old Gandalf. And he and I have some talking to do. Well--" he drew himself up to his full height and shrugged his shoulders-- "I suppose we must be going. I think I know where the old boy is..." He began half-muttering to himself and counting on his fingers. 

"Please," said Leela, "What is going on?" 

The Doctor shook his head. "We won't discuss that here." He smiled ingratiatingly at Sam. "She's an unlettered savage I picked up along the way. Can't even read her own name." 

"Doctor!" snapped Leela. He made a face at her, then turned back to Sam. 

"I know now why Gandalf hasn't returned to you, and I know where he is. No, I'm very very sorry, but I can't tell you. I'm a Time Lord, you see, and sworn to not alter history. Come, Leela-- we must be going." 

"Already? We just got here!"   
"No no, I'm afraid we must be moving on quickly. Timelines are delicate, you know; mustn't disturb them!" The Doctor was unusually serious. He leaned down nose-level with Sam. "Your secret is safe with us, do not fear. Just remember-- keep it safe!" 

The startled Hobbit showed them back to the main road with the slightest hint of reluctance. The Doctor certainly could not fault him for that. 

When they reached the rutted track, the Doctor halted and turned to their escort. "You're a good fellow, Sam," he said firmly. "Want some jellybeans?" 

"Thank you, sir! Beggin' your pardon, though, I've never heard of those." 

The Doctor placed a handful of the foreign candies on Sam's outstretched palms. "Why thank you!" the gardener said again, bowing. "I'll just plant these right away. Mighty strange beans..." he continued, turning them over in his hands. 

"They're for eating," said Leela with a smile. 

"Ah, but if I do, I won't have none to plant now, will I? I'll put 'em with the scarlet runners," he added, turning to go back to his work. "Goodbye!" 

"Goodbye!" the Doctor returned cheerfully, watching Sam lightly hop over the fence back into the potato patch. "Remember," the Time Lord called, "Only one bean to a hill! And don't water them too much!" 

With a jaunty wave, the Hobbit vanished into his lush garden. 

"Doctor!" said Leela. "That was cruel! They'll never grow!" 

The Doctor turned to her slowly. "Oh really?" he asked, in his most cryptic manner. 

Leela snorted and started off the wrong way down the road. The Doctor took her arm and swung her around. "We got here at too critical a time, my girl. The moment Sam told me the date, I knew we were interfering." 

"That is why we left so quickly?" 

"Yes, yes, and unfortunate it is, too." 

"I don't understand." 

They hurried back to the TARDIS and were greeted enthusiastically by K-9, who had amassed a small pile of books from the timeship's library. They lay on the floor in neat piles, and had titles like Unfinished Tales, The Lays of Beleriand, The Treason of Isengard and The Silmarillion. Atop them all was perched a huge red leatherbound volume, three inches thick and stamped with gold foil lettering. The cover read: THE LORD OF THE RINGS. 

The Doctor, muttering to himself, paused just long enough to heft the big book and hand it to Leela. She put it immediately aside. "Tell me, Doctor-- why was the date so important? What's the matter?" 

He was working at the computer, muttering to himself. "Two main variants," he was muttering. "The book, and the live footage captured by that time-travelling Kiwi. Which one, which one...?" Something on a readout startled him. "Oh no! Did I do that?!" 

"Do what, Doctor?" 

He ignored her. She peered past him at a video screen. Displayed on it was a large golden eagle in a mountain eyrie. He pressed REPLAY and the scene flashed past again. The eagle was eyeing a large moth which had just arrived in front of it. With one lightning-fast snap of its beak, the moth disappeared. The eagle settled back into its nest, rustling its wings in satisfaction. "No no no...!" the Doctor groaned. "How on Middle-Earth did I cause that? No choice but to repair the damage..." 

Leela laughed out loud. He turned suddenly and glared at her. "The shockwave of a TARDIS in Hobbiton can disturb the flutter of a moth's wings in the Misty Mountains!" he stated. "And Chaos can result!" Without waiting for her to reply, he punched several console buttons in rapid succession. The timeship disappeared from Hobbiton. 

As they drifted through the Vortex, Leela took the opportunity to repeat her question. "Doctor--? What was so important about September 17?" 

The Doctor flopped down morosely into his rocking chair, tossed aside his hat and regarded her solemnly. "All the answers are in that book." 

Leela looked, for some moments, as though she might rebel. Then, not one to back down from a challenge, she squared her shoulders and retrieved the book. As she thumbed through it, she frowned in phonetic concentration. Then: "It's full of pictures!" 

"Yes. It's the Houghton-Mifflin Gallifreyan Time Lord Book Collector's Special Illustrated Edition. Taken right from life." 

She thrust the book onto his knees and moved to stand by his side. Together they looked at the pictures. "There's Sam!" she said. "Who is that he's standing with?" 

"Oh, that's his best friend! That's Master Frodo." 

"Look, Frodo has a book. It looks just like this one! Hobbits are not warrior folk." 

"No, they are not warrior folk," the Doctor said solemnly. "But they can be very brave." 

There were pictures of other Hobbits and various creatures, some beautiful, some fearsome. There was an illustration of Gandalf. "He looks like you!" Leela said, intrigued. "But he's got a beard." 

"He looks like me because he's a Time Lord," the Doctor said, unperturbed. "He's got the beard because-- oh, that's it, yes! I knew I had to have a reason for wanting to see him. Last time we went on an adventure together, I accidentally got away with his shaving kit!" 

"His shaving kit?" 

"Yes. Time Lord beards are not like ordinary beards, you know, and wizard beards are even tougher. That's why you rarely see a wizard without a beard. Most of them just give up and accept it as part of the office. Takes a blade twenty times sharper than platinum to even dent them." 

The TARDIS lurched suddenly; an alarm sounded. The Doctor dropped the book and bounded up. "Coming over Caradhras!" he said. "Gwaihir's eyrie is in this range. Stand by for hover!" 

Two minutes later the timeship came to a halt in midair. The Doctor thrust open the doors. Leela, running to see what was outside, almost pushed him off the brink. He elbowed her back. Hanging onto the doors, he leaned outside. They were just over the nest of the golden eagle that had earlier been displayed on the monitor; but now Leela saw this wasn't any ordinary eagle. The bird was huge. "I say!" the Doctor shouted, shoving his windblown scarf out of his mouth. "Are you Gwaihir the Windlord?" 

The eagle had not moved from its perch, but it was eyeing them with curious intelligence. Then it gave an affirmative screech. 

"DON'T EAT THE MOTH!" cried the Doctor as another gust of wind howled through the TARDIS door. "Do you hear me? It's important! DON'T-- EAT-- THE-- MOTH!" 

The eagle screamed again. The Doctor stepped back and slammed shut the TARDIS doors. "Whew!" he said in relief, consulting his chronometer. "That was close!" 

******* 

More on the way, folks. And thanks very much for your reviews of my other stories! 


	2. The Kiwi Chronology

LORD OF THE WHO?  
  
Chapter Two: The Kiwi Chronology  
  
The TARDIS was hovering once more in the Vortex. Leela sat crosslegged on the floor, the huge book open on her lap. The Doctor had produced a telephone from somewhere and was snapping at someone on the other end of the line. "Yes, yes, I know my account is overdue... This is just a single very necessary call! Yes, it is an emergency! Oh, good. What? Seven thousand fourteen years Eastern Universal Time Past, Galactic Area Code 17, Planetary Code Earth, and I don't know the rest. I need to call New Zealand. Wellington. A Doctor Peter Jackson... What do you mean that exceeds the number of credits left on my card?! I'm a Time Lord, I have unlimited credits! Look, just put it on the bill, yes yes I know, be a good girl and just put it on the bill, all right? All right!" Putting his hand over the phone's receiver, he glared at Leela as though she had caused all the ruckus. "Bloody Intergalactic Long Distance!" he whispered. "I swear this is the last time..."  
  
"Hello, Doctor Jackson? Yes, it's me! Surprised? Sorry... What? Can't hear you-- blasted connection. Hello? Hello!... Oh, blast!" The Doctor hung up the phone and sat down in his rocking chair dejectedly. "Bloody long-distance!"  
  
"Doctor?" Leela ventured, almost timidly. "Why do you need to call this Jackson?"  
  
"Oh, when he took his notes he never did give us a hard copy of his official chronology of events. I believe it may differ a bit from the timeline in Tolkien's research, and since we're in the Jackson timestream, I wanted to clarify things before proceeding."  
  
"How can both timestreams be real?"  
  
"Oh, this universe has millions and millions of timestreams, and every one is real."  
  
"Every one?!"  
  
The Doctor fixed her with his most serious look. "Every single one. And some of them are very dark indeed... The Fellowship fails... The Ring gets back to its Master..."  
  
"Fellowship? Ring?"  
  
"Are you just looking at the pictures?" the Doctor snapped.  
  
"Well... Yes." Leela admitted guiltily.  
  
"Well here's my advice. Skip the introduction and all that, and go straight to Chapter One. It's those first forty pages that stall the first-time reader."  
  
"Didn't you say this Doctor Jackson had made a moving picture documentary?"  
  
"Yes, several."  
  
"I want to watch that instead of reading this. After all, we're in his timestream."  
  
The Doctor sighed heavily. "Miss Leela. I have three objectives on this voyage. The first is to not muck up history. The second is to return Gandalf's shaving kit. And the third, and admittedly the most difficult, is to get you to learn your letters, as Master Samwise would say."  
  
"This doesn't make any sense. Why risk history to return a shaving kit?"  
  
"And teach you how to read. Because my old friend Gandalf doesn't forget, and someday, I may need a little favor from him instead of the other way round. You never know." The Doctor froze, lost in thought for a moment. Then: "There's only one way to check this out."  
  
The TARDIS popped out of the Vortex onto a scrubby hill next to a large, somehow out-of-place boulder. The Doctor and Leela crept out slowly, carefully surveying their surroundings. "I got the calculations perfectly! That's Jackson's TARDIS," the Doctor whispered, pointing at the rock. "If you look closely, right there, you can see letters inscribed on the stone."  
  
Leela spelled them out carefully. "W-E-T-A-D-I-G-I-T-A-L?"  
  
"Now... We must be very, very quiet. This is still Middle-Earth, you know." The Doctor pulled a pair of binoculars out of his bottomless pocket and scanned the landscape. "Hmm... There's an Orc camp over yonder. Fortunately his TARDIS is obscuring mine from detection... I believe I see the good doctor down behind that bush. Yes. He is observing Orc behavior for his documentary. Come along, Leela!"  
  
The Doctor and Leela slipped down the hill very, very carefully. As they neared the researcher he turned, revealing a round, bearded face under a military helmet. He was dressed in khaki camouflage shirt and shorts, but his feet were bare. In one hand he held a film camera, in the other, a small notepad. Leela stopped in her tracks. "Doctor? Are you certain this isn't a Hobbit?"  
  
The Doctor glared at her, then smiled benignly at his startled fellow time-traveller. "Good day, Doctor Jackson, eh what? Found some Orcs for your study?"  
  
"Yes!" Doctor Jackson's face was alight with excitement. "They're Uruks! I've gotten some incredible footage! Oh, what are you doing here? You're probably going to mess up the timeline, you know."  
  
"Done and fixed," the Doctor said encouragingly. "But Intergalactic Long Distance cut me off and I have an urgent question for--"  
  
"DOCTOR!" screamed Leela. A huge Orc had sprung up without warning from the other side of the bushes.  
  
"COME ON, LEELA!" The Doctor grabbed Leela's hand and proceeded to make tracks, as did Doctor Jackson. The threesome pelted back up the hill with half a hundred Orcs not more than a bowshot away. Indeed, as the Doctor threw Leela into his TARDIS and jumped over the threshold himself, black arrows began to rattle around them. He slammed the door at the same moment the researcher slammed his own, but only the Doctor's TARDIS vanished.  
  
Fifteen minutes later, the Doctor was conversing with the Doctor via hyperspace. "I'm awfully glad you didn't get killed," Leela's Doctor was saying earnestly. "It would have been a bear to fix, especially since without you, this timestream wouldn't exist!"  
  
Doctor Jackson adjusted his glasses, looking fairly calm for a man who had an arrow-dent in his army hat. "Well, I doubt there was any permanent harm done to the timeline, but I lost the chronology."  
  
"You what?"  
  
"The chronology you just said you wanted? I had it in my hand. I was using the back of it to take some notes. I dropped it coming up the hill, and the Orcs have it. There's one chewing on it now."  
  
"Oh dear. Oh my. I am so sorry."  
  
Leela rolled her eyes. The Doctor was specially good at being sorry when his own interests were affected.  
  
"Actually," the Doctor continued, "Since we don't have a written chronology from you, I think this was supposed to happen. I say, can you tell me how long you believe Gandalf was at Isengard?"  
  
"Look in the book," Doctor Jackson said simply.  
  
"Uh... Right-O..."  
  
"Good luck to you. Stay out of trouble!"  
  
"Moi?" said the Doctor jokingly, and switched off the connection. He turned to Leela. "I know a safe place where Gandalf is sure to be."  
  
"Where is that?"  
  
He punched some buttons on the timeship console. "Rivendell! And that's where we're going!"  
  
The Doctor let the TARDIS drift in the Vortex for, subjectively, about a week, while Leela stumbled through the first section of the story. It came hard for her at first, but she was a quick learner. The Doctor had been quite right in that elementary lessons were too simple for her.  
  
Now she was progressing at a steady rate, she could not put the great book down, but delved into it for hours, frowning as she sounded out unfamiliar words and names. The Doctor took advantage of the time by eating, drinking and (mostly) dozing in his rocking-chair. When she accused him of laziness, he responded: "Laziness! Leela, do you realize just how much sleep I've managed to lose over the centuries? It would take me years to catch up!"  
  
When she had completed the first six chapters, he decided it was time to wake up. "Now that we've got you into the Old Forest, perhaps we can let you look ahead."  
  
Leela watched in fascination as quick snippets of time flew by on the TARDIS screen. Young Saruman at school, shooting a spitwad which bounced right off Gandalf's nose; Bilbo Baggins facing the biggest, meanest dragon ever recorded; the Last Alliance of Elves and Men marching out to face the Dark Lord; a very young Sam dropping a nightcrawler down the back of a Hobbit-girl's dress. The scenes continued on and on, with cities besieged and Orcs invading and, once, Doctor Jackson up a camouflaged tree blind, filming a group of Uruks who were fighting over his army helmet.  
  
When the Time Rotor stopped moving and the TARDIS materialized, the Doctor was jubilant. "Perfect landing, old girl!" He patted the console approvingly, then moved to collect his hat and scarf. "Come on, Leela. Put down that book."  
  
"But Merry is caught in an evil tree!" she protested.  
  
"Do you want to see Elves, or don't you?" he snapped. "This is the House of Elrond, and Gandalf will be waiting!" 


	3. Trouble in Rivendell

For Disclaimer, see the first chapter.  
  
Author's Notes: First, Thank You Rachel my loyal reader ^_^ If this story makes even one person laugh, then it is successful! K-9 stacking books... hmmm... That is a very good question. I'm afraid you'll just have to ask him how he did that o_O;  
  
Que?-- You are so right that the "insanity represented by Tom Baker" just has endless potential. My imagination is not totally up to it (and the core of this story is about 10 years old to boot, the only parts that are new here are what I rewrote to fit this into the "Kiwi Chronology.") I wish I could have dealt with the topics you suggest, but this only has four chapters so I couldn't... You seem well versed in both Whovian and LOTR universes, you could probably write a funnier story ^_^ How about Tom Baker as Gandalf??  
  
AUTHOR'S CHALLENGE: Read this thing and then tell me: Does it belong in the LOTR, Crossover, or Whovian category, and why? I do hate categories so...  
  
LORD OF THE WHO?  
  
Chapter 3: Trouble in Rivendell  
  
The TARDIS had landed directly in the center of Lord Elrond's audience chamber, and when Leela stepped out, she gasped aloud in wonderment. Not even the photographs in the Doctor's book had prepared her for the real thing. The polished floors, the fabulous sweeping open architecture, the sweet, warm breezes gently wafting an incense-like aroma of fall flowers through the room, were all more than she had been capable of imagining. As she took a hesitant step, the Doctor pushed her impatiently. "Come along now, we don't have all day! Our visit here must be brief, or we risk changing history! Now then... I say, where is everybody anyway?"  
  
The Doctor was right. Not a single being, Elf or Man, Dwarf or Hobbit, was to be seen in the great hall. Leela followed the Time Lord as he strode purposefully out of the room and onto a balcony overlooking many pristine waterfalls which flowed from glaciers high above, down through the sharply cut valley below the Elvish settlement. Leela leaned over a rail. The drop to the river was hundreds of feet, and she marvelled again at the skill which had built such a fabulous palace on such impossible terrain. After a moment she hurried to catch up with the Doctor, who was just disappearing around a corner.  
  
As she rounded the corner after the Doctor, she ran right into his back. He had come to a sudden stop. They had walked into what seemed to be a private room, for it was equipped with very comfortable, well-used furnishings as well as a large bed. In the bed lay a tiny, sweet-faced Hobbit. His skin was pale as milk, and he would have seemed fast asleep, but instinct told Leela he was injured. "Doctor!... It looks like Frodo!"  
  
"It is Frodo." The Doctor sighed. "Curse it, this is a spoiler if ever there was one."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Nevermind. Strange..." The Doctor leaned over the unconscious figure, his long scarf falling to land on Frodo's face. "Never seen anything quite like this before... Still shocky... Poisoned... Strange radiation..." He leaped back three feet. "Xylinite!"  
  
"What?"  
  
"It's the Ring." The Doctor had gone a bit pale himself. "Haven't you ever wondered about that Ring?"  
  
"What about it?"  
  
"The One Ring--" here the Doctor's voice dropped conspiratorially-- "is a kind of multidimensional key. That's why the wearer is rendered invisible; they're really in another dimension. Sauron's power is locked in that dimension. Without the Ring to bring it into the world, he's just another tyrannical megalomaniac." His face became sad. "Unfortunately, these Rings also possess a certain amount of an exotic radioactive material called Xylinite. Only Time Lords and other radiation-resistant beings can keep these rings without coming to permanent harm..."  
  
A chill wormed its way down Leela's spine. "Doctor? Does the Ring tempt you?"  
  
"Mmm... Yes, of course. Of course it does. But I am a Time Lord, you see, and more resistant to its effects than ordinary mortals."  
  
Another voice spoke from just behind them, causing them both to jump. "I'm glad to know that, Doctor. Otherwise you would be having... difficulties right now."  
  
"Elrond! Hullo, old chap!" The Doctor turned on his heel, beaming, to face the stern and dignified visage of the Lord of Rivendell. Elrond was dressed in brocade and velvet, but he had a sword in his hand. He gestured with it at Leela. "Who is this human female?"  
  
"Oh, she's Leela. Just learning to read, and I picked this history for her to cut her teeth on, so to speak. By the way, where is everybody?"  
  
Elrond sheathed the sword, relaxing a bit. "None of Frodo's companions are here yet."  
  
"None of them? What about Bilbo?"  
  
"He's sleeping off a fit of narcolepsy in the Hall of Fire, poor fellow."  
  
"Gandalf, then? I need to have a chat with him!"  
  
"I have not seen Gandalf for far too long a time." Elrond looked away, brow furrowed with concern. "I fear something may have delayed him."  
  
The Doctor frowned and muttered something to himself just as Elrond looked quickly back to him. "You haven't been altering our world again, have you, Doctor?"  
  
"Oh, no. No, no, not at all! I just found something of his that I want to return." Changing the subject, the Doctor went on: "That's one sick little puppy. If Aragorn and Glorfindel didn't bring him in, who did?"  
  
"Why Arwen, of course. She is the fastest rider."  
  
"Oh, that's right. Yes, of course, the Kiwi timestream. The others are what, several days away?"  
  
"Yes... And I need Gandalf here to help heal Frodo. He was knifed--"  
  
The Doctor interrupted him. "I know, yes, I know." At Elrond's puzzled look, he added softly: "Don't give away too much of the story to you-know-who..." he rolled his eyes at Leela.  
  
Elrond shrugged. "I am not concerned with the affairs of you mortals."  
  
"I am not a mortal! I have at least half a dozen lives left! But Lord Elrond... according to the chronicles of both Tolkien and Jackson, you were able to heal Frodo on your own."  
  
"Gandalf helped me to do it. The poison is strong. I have never seen its like. I removed a splinter of a Morgul-blade from the wound, but it does not want to close again. I have tried all sorts of healing herbs and balms..."  
  
The Doctor was fumbling in his voluminous pockets. "I have a first-aid kit here somewhere... Ah! What about Universal Antitoxin? Works against almost anything." He held up a loaded syringe. At Elrond's blank look, he added: "I never leave home without it."  
  
"Doctor, I do not think it wise--"  
  
"Just be quiet and listen to me for a change, there's a good Elf. If this can handle the poison frog legs I ate on Dagobah, it can handle a mere Morgul-knife."  
  
"Poison frog legs?"  
  
"Don't ask." The Doctor stuck the needle into the arm of the unconscious Frodo. Both Elrond and Leela gasped. "Oh, calm down!" he said irritably as he administered the shot. "There! Now, let's just see what happens next."  
  
Nothing seemed to happen, and after a few minutes the Doctor began pacing the room restlessly. "Gandalf... I wonder where he could be... Did nothing in Hobbiton... Fixed the problem with the moth... Did nothing to the Jackson chronology except lose it... Lose it! I wonder if that was it... Could go back and see, but then there never was a chronology anyway so it shouldn't matter. Orcs can't read English..." The Doctor looked up to see Elrond pacing next to him, matching him step for step. "Say Elrond lad, is there anyone here on Middle-Earth who can read English?"  
  
"Don't call me 'lad.' What's English?"  
  
"An exotic language which shouldn't have been invented here yet."  
  
"Ah. Well, except for the Valar, the Istari and Sauron, I can't think of anyone who has access to the reference books of the future. Not even I have such capabilities, though, through you, I know such things exist." The Lord of Rivendell somehow made the 'you' sound less than complimentary.  
  
"Doctor!" called Leela, from Frodo's bedside.  
  
"Glad to be of some educational service," the Doctor said only half-mockingly. "But-- do tell how Arwen's doing."  
  
"My daughter," said Elrond, rolling his eyes heavenwards, "caused Lord Glorfindel to leave this place several days past."  
  
"My word! What happened?"  
  
"She won his horse, Asfaloth, in a gambling match. I told her that proper ladies don't gamble, but she never listens... Probably learned it from Aragorn... He gave her a pair of dice. They think I don't know about that." Elrond leaned closer, glad to have a confidante in such matters now that Glorfindel was gone. "They think I don't know about a lot of things..."  
  
"Doctor!" Leela called again, more urgently. The Doctor stopped in his tracks. "Yes, Leela, what is it? Can't you see I'm busy discussing something important?"  
  
"Doctor, he's dead!"  
  
The Doctor worked furiously at the TARDIS computer. Leela sat as if in a trance, slowly flipping the pages of the great book. "He should still be alive on page 938..."  
  
The Time Lord, jaw set grimly, ignored both her and the images flashing rapidly across the video screen. Aragorn and the Hobbits pale with dismay; Sam bursting into tears; Elrond, with a face like a thundercloud, tying a toe-tag to the body with unnecessary force. Boromir accepting the Ring.  
  
The Doctor punched one last button and sent the TARDIS spinning into the Vortex.  
  
"All you have to do is to not give Frodo that medicine," Leela said softly.  
  
"No, you numbskull, that's not the problem at all!" The Doctor sat down hard in his rocking-chair. "Gandalf was not present when he was supposed to be. I suspect that was the real reason Frodo died."  
  
"Oh, and I suppose you had nothing to do with it?"  
  
"Well... I must have. But I swear it wasn't the antitoxin. It has to do with Gandalf, and that means we must go to Isengard. Evidently our good wizard is still a captive there."  
  
The TARDIS materialized after only five minutes in the Vortex, subjective time. The Doctor struck the lock-switch and flung wide the TARDIS doors. A hail of wicked black arrows hissed and rattled their way over his head. As he sprang aside, a crossbow bolt pinned his hat to the wall behind him. "Leela!" he roared. She got to the door switch just in time-- a huge animal similar to a woolly mammoth was charging the timeship. The beast impacted with them just as the doors swung shut. The three passengers were flung violently about as the TARDIS was knocked end-over-end.  
  
The Doctor had been half-buried under a pile of Tolkien books. As he clawed his way out, he muttered: "Temporal stabilizer's acting up again. Time for another trip to Betelgeuse Hardware..." He scrambled along the tilted floor, grabbing a railing and finally pulling himself upright, then unshuttering the viewport. "Oh dear. Oh dear. We were more than a little off. We've landed right in the middle of the Seige of Minas Tirith."  
  
Vision was momentarily obscured by a horde of armored, ugly Orcs swarming like black ants right over the top of the TARDIS. Unfazed by its sudden appearance, they were carrying long ladders which they swung up onto the wall of the White City which towered above them. As they began to climb, the defenders on the ramparts above dumped out the contents of huge iron kettles. The Orcs, and the TARDIS as well, were suddenly drenched in boiling oil.  
  
"I was meaning to scour the space barnacles off the old thing anyway," the Doctor said philosophically.  
  
"What's happening?!"  
  
"We're too far along in the Trilogy." Surveying the carnage, he shook his head. "What a mess! And without Gandalf..." The Doctor touched the TARDIS controls and the blue police box vanished from the Pelennor Fields.  
  
They spent another week in the Vortex as the Doctor attempted repairs to the timeship. Leela, meanwhile, was devouring the rest of Volume One and had finished by the time the Doctor decided to try again. Aiming for Orthanc, they landed instead in the midst of an ancient forest. They stepped out onto soft spring grass. Leela gazed up at the impossibly tall trees, with silver bark and golden leaves. "This is wonderful! It is Lothlorien, I think."  
  
"Yes, it's Lothlorien, but I'm not certain when," said the Doctor. "Still," he sighed, "I wish Sarah were here. She would like this."  
  
Leela bent to pluck a flower with idle grace. "You have mentioned her before. Was she your mate?"  
  
"...Yes and no. She's my best friend." The Doctor stood hands in pockets, surveying the golden grove, drinking in the sweet air. "I'll bring her here sometime," he said after a moment. "The last great refuge of the Elves of Middle-Earth... Of course, I'm of the opinion that the Elves are relocated Denebolites. Then again, they might simply be mutations..." He broke off, turning on his heel as he felt a powerful presence approaching. "Ah! Lady Galadriel!" He bowed deeply.  
  
The tall, regal woman who stood before them was most definitely no mutation. Flawless in face and form, clad in creamy silks and cloth of gold, she turned a dazzling smile upon them. When she spoke, her deep smooth voice flowed like music. "Welcome to Lorien, my good Time Lord! All of us owe you thanks for your past intervention!"  
  
"My what?" The Doctor was caught completely off-guard at her attitude. That was, Leela thought, indicative of how much trouble he usually got into.  
  
"Your intervention. Your speaking to Gandalf at precisely the right moment!"  
  
"Oh. Yes. That. Well. I'm glad I could help him come to a decision." Recovering his usual aplomb, the Doctor straightened his battered hat and adjusted his scarf, which he was standing on. "I say, dear Lady, I would imagine Gandalf is neither here nor idle at the moment, but I've been wanting to speak with him. Uh, I have some things of his that I, uh, forgot to return..." Without any more ceremony, and awkward as a schoolchild, he began digging in his lefthand pocket. "Let's see... I've one of his pipes (stopped smoking about five centuries ago...) one of his blue scarves... his shaving kit, yes, yes... and a little ring with a red stone."  
  
The Lady's eyes widened in surprise bordering on astonishment as the Doctor dropped one of the Three Elven Rings lightly into her palm. "Narya!" she breathed. "The Ring of Fire! Has this not been in Mithrandir's possession during all this time?"  
  
"I don't know," the Doctor said mildly. "All I know is that this ring is his. He lent it to me when I crash-landed in Buckland while going to visit Bilbo. Gandalf happened to be passing through at the time. I used it to jump-start the TARDIS and accidentally took off with it. Any idea where he is? Oh. Yes. This is my companion, Leela."  
  
Leela tried an awkward curtsey. "Hello, Lady."  
  
"Come with me," said Galadriel thoughtfully, not seeming to notice her at all.  
  
The Lady consulted her Mirror in the twilight of the heart of the gardens of Lorien. A shallow bowl of water on a pedestal reflected glimmering stars overhead. She bent over it, gazing intently into its depths.  
  
"I say," began the Doctor. "What a charming birdbath--"  
  
Leela elbowed him savagely in the ribs. "It's the Mirror!" she whispered. "Don't you remember the book?!"  
  
Galadriel straightened suddenly, frowning. "The Mirror shows many futures and many pasts... but it has never before refused my commands. I think, Doctor, that your coming here has disturbed things better left alone. You should be going. I believe you will find Mithrandir in the dungeon of Orthanc."  
  
"The dungeon? How did he get in the dungeon? He should be on the top of the tower!"  
  
"However he got there is not my concern. Go, Doctor, quickly! Middle-Earth is depending on you!" Galadriel placed the Ring of Fire back into the Doctor's palm. "It is vital that Mithrandir have this ring. It will allow him to battle Saruman as well as the Balrog and the Nine. It will allow him to bring hope into the hearts of Men. Go now! Return it to him at once!"  
  
The Doctor and Leela stumbled back into the TARDIS, waving hasty goodbyes. "Don't worry!" he called out the door before shutting it. "I just need to stabilize the stabilizer, then things will work out fine! Ta-ta!" With that the door closed, and moments later Galadriel was left standing alone in the glade.  
  
"How strange," she muttered to herself. "When I greeted him, he didn't understand what I was thanking him for..." 


	4. The Jellybeans of Doom

Disclaimer: See Chapter One.  
  
Well folks, this is the last chapter. ^_^ Thanks again for your reviews. This fic will eventually be moved to the Whovian section thanks to the advice of those who answered my Author's Challenge ^_^  
  
  
LORD OF THE WHO?  
  
Chapter 4: The Jellybeans of Doom  
  
  
"All right," the Doctor said sternly as the TARDIS fell through the Vortex. "Let's review. Gandalf is imprisoned in the dungeon of Orthanc, not atop the tower as in both primary timestreams. Gwaihir may as well have eaten that moth, for it carried no message, and he is still in his eyrie. Gandalf evidently needs Narya in order for his battle with Saruman to have the proper outcome. Because our good Wizard couldn't get to Rivendell to help Elrond in surgery, Frodo is dead. At the Council, Boromir was appointed the Ring-- politics and all that-- and he has marched to Minas Tirith after tying the rightful King, Aragorn, up in a boat and sending him over the falls. The situation is critical. Got that?"  
"Right. So now we give the Ring of Fire back to Gandalf at Orthanc."  
"Wrong. You and Galadriel both. We have to go back to the exact point in time when I crash-landed in Buckland, jump-start the TARDIS, and give Gandalf his ring back before taking off again. That will repair everything."  
"I think you're the one wrong this time, Doctor."  
"What??"  
"You have to go back before you crash-landed and fix whatever was wrong with the TARDIS so you don't."  
Long silence.  
The Doctor sighed heavily. "All right. I suppose we can do this the hard way."  
Leela smiled triumphantly. "You, Doctor, are lazy!"  
"Well you are illiterate-- no, I can't say that any more, can I...? Right. It's off to the hardware market then."  
"Can you reach it from here?"  
"Hm. Another good point. Could spend five hundred years trying to hit Betelgeuse from here. We had better send an order instead."   
  
Even sent by GALAXY EXPRESS, the shipment of TARDIS parts took almost two subjective weeks to arrive. While the Doctor spent much of his time with only his feet sticking out from beneath the control console, cursing and getting his scarf stuck in the Time Rotor, Leela plowed her way doggedly through the great red book. The barrier had been broken; she could read, and as she followed the story deep into the Forest of Fangorn and high into the Mountains of Mordor, she became more and more concerned about the Doctor's interference in it. "This is so complicated. Will we ever be able to really set it right?" she asked at the end of the first week.   
The Doctor was backing out from under the demolished console, a spanner in one hand, while K-9 dragged his scarf to safety. "This?" he said. "This is nothing. I've mucked up entire universes!"  
She put the book aside, marking her place carefully. "Can we watch the Jackson documentary now?"  
The Doctor pursed his lips thoughtfully, frowning. "Not yet. But we can watch the out-takes." At Leela's puzzled look he added: "The bits and pieces left out of the finished work."  
"Why the out-takes?"  
"They're more fun!"  
  
* * *  
  
"Interesting!" said the Doctor as they made their way from the auditorium. "There was no scene of me crashing in Buckland. It was always there before, just after Gandalf falls off his eagle. I always remember my own scenes. But this time there was just the one where I waved while being chased past the camera by those Orcs. That's good. That's very good. It means we've already fixed the problem just as soon as our shipment comes in."  
  
The TARDIS parts came from Betelgeuse Hardware at last, via a smuggler's ship with a fast hyperdrive, and the Doctor immediately got to work.   
  
* * *  
  
"There! All finished," he said, dusting his hands and surveying the newly repaired console with the air of someone who has finally fixed a particularly annoying problem after ignoring it for twenty years. "Leela? Leela! Why ever are you crying?"  
She closed the book slowly, wiping her eyes with the back of her hand. "I've finished," she said simply.  
There wasn't anything to say. The Doctor had tea and cookies and offered her some. She refused. He shrugged and dozed off for several hours.  
  
Waking suddenly in the middle of ship's night, the Doctor's first sight was Leela, sound asleep, curled up on the hard floor with her arm over the great red book. The Doctor smiled, got up and retrieved his jacket to lay it over her. Then he made his way to the timeship console. Muttering under his breath, he punched up the Timestream Overview.  
"Ah!" he exclaimed in satisfaction as Gandalf strode about restlessly atop the Tower of Orthanc. Moments later, Gwaihir arrived and carried him off. "Yes!"  
"Doctor?" said Leela, right by his ear. "What's going on?"  
He jumped, then turned to her jubilantly. "Frodo lives!"   
And sure enough, there was the little Hobbit, trooping resolutely toward Mordor, followed by Sam who was lugging far too heavy a pack.   
"Then that solves everything, Doctor!"  
"It appears to," said the Doctor, still watching the scenes flash by. "Very good... Um, Aragorn is still alive, Boromir went over the falls instead, and Shelob's where she should be... King Theoden. Poor chap. Do you know he was a first-class polo player in his youth...?  
"I say! Rosie Cotton going out with Ted Sandyman? Wait one minute! Let's slow down here... Oh good gracious me, look at the Shire! It's covered with the oddest bushes... Leela, does the book make any mention of unusual shrubbery appearing in Hobbiton?"  
"No. Except for that one Ent in the beginning."  
"Neither does Dr. Jackson. We must check this out."  
  
The TARDIS materialized on a hill at the edge of Bywater. When the Doctor emerged, he gaped in horror. The evil-looking bushes covered everything-- the road (now little-used;) the abandoned dwellings, even the shuttered tavern. The only animate things seemed to be a flock of goats on a nearby hillside, and some crows of the Dunland variety which were picking small brownish fruits from the ground.  
The Doctor snatched one from a bush. "Hmm. Looks all right. The hue is a bit off. Let me see." And he popped it into his mouth, chewed twice, then froze in horror.  
"Doctor!" Leela grabbed his arm. "Doctor??"  
He gulped, made a face, and said: "It's a Bertie Botts! These are Botts Bushes-- not regular jellybeans at all! They're pernicious! Oh my! Leela! Do you see any of a different color, or are they all the same?"  
"All the same, as far as I can tell."  
"That's what I see too." Calming down somewhat, the Doctor put his hand in his pocket and came up with more jellybeans. "Now this one Ought to be licorice, and quite nice too after that cow-muck flavored bean. Yes... Mmmmm! I can only speculate that somehow a single Botts Bean was mixed in with the normal beans during manufacture." He continued to eat and think, nodding with approval at each bean until he finished the handful. "When I gave Sam that batch, the Botts Bean must have been in it, and unlike regular jellybeans the bushes spread rapidly beyond the confines of his garden while he was away and ultimately took over the Shire. This, my girl, requires a visit to Buckland after all!"  
  
"Gandalf, old friend!!" cried the Doctor, as the ancient wizard drew his horse to a halt. The TARDIS was sitting in the middle of the road to Buckland, blocking his path through the then-verdant hills.  
"Hmph!" said Gandalf, pushing back his hat. "Just because we went to Kindergarten in the same year does not mean we are old friends, and I cannot say that I am exactly glad to see you. Nevertheless... Greetings. Now what do you want?"  
"Well firstly, I have something of yours-- a shaving kit I got away with during our first Balrog-hunting expedition." The Doctor handed it over with a flourish.  
"So that's where it went! I might have known... Ah well, I've grown quite used to having my beard by now."  
"Drat. All that effort for nothing. Anyway, secondly, I must ask you a very confidential question."  
"Which is?"  
The Doctor leaned conspiratorially close against Gandalf's horse, standing on his tiptoes. "Do you still have your ring?"  
"The Ring?!"  
"Not That ring, you old fuddy-duddy! Your own ring!! The Ring of Fire!"  
"Yes, why in Middle-Earth should I not have it?"  
"Ah. Good. Yes. Well. That's logical. If I didn't take it, you would have it." Breathing a great sigh of relief, the Doctor slid down the horse's side a bit.   
"And you're not going to get it!" snapped Gandalf irritably.  
"Very good. Just one more thing, and then we must be going."  
"And what is that?"  
"I'm going to give Sam some jellybeans in the near future."  
Leela stifled laughter at the look which Gandalf gave his classmate.  
"No. Really, this is serious! I'm going to give him some jellybeans and I need you to tell him to dig up the brown one and throw it into the fire. Tell him to destroy it, or it will take over all Middle-Earth!"  
Now the wizard's face was grim. "You got hold of some Botts by mistake, I take it."  
"Just one I think, and I accidentally gave it to Sam."  
"Naturally." Gandalf tugged on the reins, bringing his grazing horse to attention. "Very well. If you went yourself you'd likely cause another disaster-- and don't you think I cannot tell that you already have."  
"Well-- Just a small glitch--"  
"I will go to Hobbiton at once. Are you certain it was a brown bean?"  
"Oh, very certain."  
"Are you certain it was the only one?"  
"Reasonably certain. One bean..."  
"All right. Off I go then, and you had better go too, before you muck up anything else. Got that?"  
"Right-O. Say, old chap, any chance that you and the rest of the Istari could meet me at the Restaurant At the End of the Universe sometime? Catch up on all the news?"  
"If you pay the tab." And Gandalf wheeled his horse toward Hobbiton and galloped off without another word.   
  
When Leela and the Doctor stepped back into the TARDIS, K-9 was waiting for them, tail wagging hopefully. At his "feet" lay a huge old book with intricate designs of burnished gold. Leela picked it up as the Doctor began punching coordinates. "What's this?" She settled herself into the Doctor's easychair.  
"Oh, that's another of my favorite books," he replied vaguely. "I had K-9 look it up for you."  
Leela slowly opened the cover, smelling the mustiness of the ancient binding. The title page was covered in spidery designs; in large letters were the words:  
  
THE NEVERENDING STORY  
  
She drew a deep breath of anticipation and began to read. 


End file.
